Ragamuffin Grandpa

It has been forever since I last wrote.  I'm in a reflective mood today so here it is!

Please keep in mind that one of the definitions for "ragamuffin" is a ragged person.  That can mean physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I am a ragamuffin.  Don't smile, so are you!

This ragamuffin is a first time grandfather.  My son has said, "When it comes to parenting, I don't know anything."  Well, I can say the same about being a grandpa.  Who am I to have such a beautiful granddaughter?

A ragamuffin is someone who is a recipient of grace.  Grace is God's undeserving gift to me.  That is Lucia - an undeserving gift.

My life is a gift.  Sometimes, as I look back through the eyes of a boy who grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic home, my life felt anything but a gift!  There were even times I wanted to end the grief, stop the pain, and jump ship (code language for suicide).  But now having lived through it all, I can say I am in the best space I've ever experienced.  I've never had much by way of finances.  My dad was a steelworker and made a living with a good retirement.  The only financial inheritance I received from his estate was $100 due to the betrayal of a family member who took the rest.  I thought about framing the check but it would have been too painful and besides, I needed the money. I'm glad the day came when I could let go of the resentment.  Resentment would only hurt me more than the original betrayal. If you want to become wealthy, don't go into ministry. The payoff is spiritual wealth.

I now, like most ragamuffins, live a life of recovery.  I'm so grateful to God for the 12 steps and daily surrender.  My group is the most accepting people, regardless, or should I say, because of my weaknesses.  They can accept me because they are ragamuffins as well.  I am just one beggar showing other beggars to food and water.

I am grateful for my wife, three boys, two daughters-in-love, and my granddaughter.  I may be a ragamuffin, but I certainly am a wealthy one!

(Please send your feedback and and insights.)

Secret Thoughts That Lead to Life

Have you ever had a secret thought that became part of daily life?  Please don't think me morbid, but nearly everyday I think about my death.  Just keep reading, it get's more interesting.

I was getting a little concerned about this secret thought.  Now it hasn't affected my daily life but I have to ask, "Does this sound normal?" When it comes down to it, our culture doesn't handle the subject very well.  Most people don't like to think of their mortality.  I worked as a law enforcement chaplain for 26 years.  I watched people as they faced the death of a loved one.  I saw this hundreds of times. They would turn to me to talk about their mortality and loss.  

I was relieved to have Brennan Manning me put this into perspective. 

In his book, Abba Father, Manning quotes Saint Benedict: "...keep your own death before your eyes each day." Brennen reminds us,"It is not a counsel to morbidity but a challenge to faith and fortitude. Manning continues, "I waffle back and forth between fear and anticipation of death.  I am most afraid of death when I am most afraid of life" (p. 146). I guess that's true for me.  When life is on the upswing and I'm feeling good about my relationship to others and God, I do not fear death..I'm ready for it.  But when life's valleys come and I'm confused about my relationships, then death scares me to death!

Death gives life perspective.  I noticed when I worked a Ground Zero that the petty things of life didn't matter.  It has been said, "When you die you won't say, 'I wish I had spent more time at the office.'" When I got back home I was hypersensitive to the pettiness of life around me and just wanted to shout, "THOSE THINGS DON'T REALLY MATTER." Even if I did shout it out I would look like a weird street corner preacher.  

I'm convinced that life cannot be lived fully without understanding its relationship to death.  Does that sound morbid?  It shouldn't,  

I would love to hear your thought on this subject.