Is Jesus Enough?

Over the past few days I have felt the fog of depression.  I have battled with this inherited brain chemistry disorder for most of my life.  That coupled with  physical ailments at times become overwhelming. Though I try to remain optimistic sometimes the Shadows come. My energy drains and I become immobilized in body and soul.

So I found this passage from the Ragamuffin Gospel:

Is Jesus enough? Is His love mediated through spouse, children, and friends enough? Must I grasp for something else? Will the incessant clanging of my addictions, wants, and desires steal my Promethean fire? Must I wander again into the far country in search of God knows what? I harbor one legitimate fear: Having been given a seat at the wedding feast, the thought of ever going back into the misery and filth—the cold and the darkness of the highways and hedges, the streets and the alleys of a self-centered life—fills me with holy dread. From the depth of my heart I pray, in the words of St. Augustine, “Lord Jesus, don’t let me lie when I say that I love you…and protect me, for today I could betray you.”

One of my recovery friends said that when I get tired and just want to lay down I need to push through. So sometimes I just say to myself, " Push through!" I get moving and once I do quite often the fog lifts.

Depression is a focus inward which makes it pretty self-centered. I don't see myself as self-centered, except with my inner thoughts and feelings.

I'm thankful for the hope and encouragement I get through Jesus and also from my recovery group and my church. Like an acquaintance of mine once wrote, "We really do need each other."

Ragamuffin Grandpa

It has been forever since I last wrote.  I'm in a reflective mood today so here it is!

Please keep in mind that one of the definitions for "ragamuffin" is a ragged person.  That can mean physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I am a ragamuffin.  Don't smile, so are you!

This ragamuffin is a first time grandfather.  My son has said, "When it comes to parenting, I don't know anything."  Well, I can say the same about being a grandpa.  Who am I to have such a beautiful granddaughter?

A ragamuffin is someone who is a recipient of grace.  Grace is God's undeserving gift to me.  That is Lucia - an undeserving gift.

My life is a gift.  Sometimes, as I look back through the eyes of a boy who grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic home, my life felt anything but a gift!  There were even times I wanted to end the grief, stop the pain, and jump ship (code language for suicide).  But now having lived through it all, I can say I am in the best space I've ever experienced.  I've never had much by way of finances.  My dad was a steelworker and made a living with a good retirement.  The only financial inheritance I received from his estate was $100 due to the betrayal of a family member who took the rest.  I thought about framing the check but it would have been too painful and besides, I needed the money. I'm glad the day came when I could let go of the resentment.  Resentment would only hurt me more than the original betrayal. If you want to become wealthy, don't go into ministry. The payoff is spiritual wealth.

I now, like most ragamuffins, live a life of recovery.  I'm so grateful to God for the 12 steps and daily surrender.  My group is the most accepting people, regardless, or should I say, because of my weaknesses.  They can accept me because they are ragamuffins as well.  I am just one beggar showing other beggars to food and water.

I am grateful for my wife, three boys, two daughters-in-love, and my granddaughter.  I may be a ragamuffin, but I certainly am a wealthy one!

(Please send your feedback and and insights.)

Secret Thoughts That Lead to Life

Have you ever had a secret thought that became part of daily life?  Please don't think me morbid, but nearly everyday I think about my death.  Just keep reading, it get's more interesting.

I was getting a little concerned about this secret thought.  Now it hasn't affected my daily life but I have to ask, "Does this sound normal?" When it comes down to it, our culture doesn't handle the subject very well.  Most people don't like to think of their mortality.  I worked as a law enforcement chaplain for 26 years.  I watched people as they faced the death of a loved one.  I saw this hundreds of times. They would turn to me to talk about their mortality and loss.  

I was relieved to have Brennan Manning me put this into perspective. 

In his book, Abba Father, Manning quotes Saint Benedict: "...keep your own death before your eyes each day." Brennen reminds us,"It is not a counsel to morbidity but a challenge to faith and fortitude. Manning continues, "I waffle back and forth between fear and anticipation of death.  I am most afraid of death when I am most afraid of life" (p. 146). I guess that's true for me.  When life is on the upswing and I'm feeling good about my relationship to others and God, I do not fear death..I'm ready for it.  But when life's valleys come and I'm confused about my relationships, then death scares me to death!

Death gives life perspective.  I noticed when I worked a Ground Zero that the petty things of life didn't matter.  It has been said, "When you die you won't say, 'I wish I had spent more time at the office.'" When I got back home I was hypersensitive to the pettiness of life around me and just wanted to shout, "THOSE THINGS DON'T REALLY MATTER." Even if I did shout it out I would look like a weird street corner preacher.  

I'm convinced that life cannot be lived fully without understanding its relationship to death.  Does that sound morbid?  It shouldn't,  

I would love to hear your thought on this subject.

Facing the Pain

As a young boy I observed a group of my friends huddled around something in the neighbor's yard.  I believe it was summer because I was wearing shorts and cowboy boots without socks.  Just as I approached the group it parted, like the Red Sea.  What I didn't realize was they were around a brick grill burning plastic army men.  One of them took a large hunk of molten plastic and flicked it in the air.  Thus, the crowd spread to miss the stuff but I didn't know what they were doing.  I never saw it coming.  The hot mass flew into my boot.  The pain was intense.  I hopped and screamed and tried to kick the boot off.  I eventually became successful, not only removing the boot but the skin and flesh from my foot!  I ran from the scene, screaming, tears running down my face.

I have known other pain in my life, more intense then that event.  Instead of burning pain, I faced incredible emotional pain and trauma.  Most of my life I've been running from that pain.  Today I had a thought or a scene on the projection screen of my mind, that I was running away from that pain.  I remember feeling all alone in my pain while running.  Then I realized there was another person that was coming into my peripheral vision.  It was Jesus.  As we ran he said, "I know you are in pain, but unless you face the pain, you will never stop running."

"I'm scared," I told him.

"I know," he replied.  "You don't have to do it alone.  I'll be by your side."

He then convinced me to hold his hand as we turned around!

We are now on the journey together walking back into the pain.  Some days are better than others.  There are those days when I just want to medicate the pain through the escape of addiction but I know I'm making progress.

Brennan Manning speaks of this pain in the following quote:

He knew that suffering was necessary. What He was confident of was vindication. Our hope, our acceptance of the invitation to the banquet (the wedding banquet in Matthew 22), is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. Rather, it is based on the conviction that we will triumph over suffering.

Manning, Brennan (2008-08-19). The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out (pp. 169-170). The Doubleday Religious Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

I'm 60 years old.  It has it's advantages and its disadvantages.  I had breakfast out today and I got a senior discount.  The disadvantage is they didn't card me so I must look over 60!

By this stage in my life I should have life figured out.  More importantly I should have God figured out but he just won't sit still long enough for that to happen.  Even if he did stay still my senior brain wouldn't know what to do!

This is not a whine session (and I don't mean the kind you drink).  Here comes the "but."  But I've had so much life garbage dumped on me and often wondered, "What is the Big Guy doing?  Where is He?"  God just hasn't performed the way I expected and desired.  The only thing I can expect is that He ends up surprising me, some good but I tend to only see the bad.

I'm no surprise to God.  He know I mess up at times and even want to fire him!  The great thing is that he doesn't walk away when I hand him garbage.  He patiently waits for me to come around again and offer his grace.

I read this from "Ragamuffin" the other day:

This is the victorious limp often lived by this writer. At different times on the journey I have tried to fill the emptiness that frequently comes with God’s presence through a variety of substitutes—writing, preaching, traveling, television, movies, ice cream, shallow relationships, sports, music, daydreaming, alcohol, etc. As Annie Dillard says, “There is always an enormous temptation to diddle around making itsy-bitsy friends and meals and journeys for itsy-bitsy years on end.” Along the way I opted for slavery and lost the desire for freedom. I loved my captivity and imprisoned myself in the desire for things I hated. I hardened my heart against true love. I abandoned prayer and took flight from the simple sacredness of my life. On some given day when grace overtook me and I returned to prayer, I half-expected Jesus to ask, “Who dat?” None of my failures in faithfulness have proved terminal. Again and again radical grace has gripped me in the depths of my being, brought me to accept ownership of my infidelities, and led me back to the fifth step of the AA program: “Acknowledge to God, another human being, and myself the exact nature of my wrongdoing.”

Manning, Brennan (2008-08-19). The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out (pp. 186-187). The Doubleday Religious Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Thank you Jesus!

Raggamuffin Bible

FYI...the new Raggamuffin Bible will be released next month.

Check it out:  http://www.amazon.com/NIV-Ragamuffin-Bible-Meditations-Brokenhearted/dp/0310405238/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1382125939&sr=8-2&keywords=ragamuffin+bible

So what I read today isn't from Brennan Manning's writings, but it certainly qualifies!

In our addiction, we felt there must be an answer, a single answer to all our problems. A magic formula, perhaps, that would cure us instantly and set us free. How we wanted someone to come and give us that formula! But if there were a single answer, then life would be the same for everyone. And how boring that would be.

From Hazelden Meditations

I'm grateful that God is allowing me to go on the journey rather than waving a magic wand to make it all better.  It's better because He has daily lessons for me to learn and I don't want to miss out on my education!